Good Vibrations

This patient had a vibrator up his butt and couldn't get it out.

Everyone in the OR had heard about this procedure before it was even put on the board, and the rumor started a domino effect of story-telling. It seems everybody working in healthcare has the crazy sex accident patient involving a foreign object up the butt. There's the shampoo bottle, the rose, the flashlight, the wedding ring, beer bottle - almost every object that pushes the limits of sphincter physics has been lost in the butt. The stories always come to a disgusting finish with some over the hill nurse with inner city experience talking about the hamster craze in the late eighties.

Just so you know, rarely is there a problem with an object stuck in the vagina. It's because that hole is relatively shallow and has a bottom. But the hole in the bottom doesn't.

This guy, according to his history, accidentally sat on a vibrator naked while it was turned on. It's amazing how many people will lie about something as obvious as losing a vibrator in the butt. In truth, it doesn't matter how it got in there, it must come out. Because it's a socially awkward situation, the whole healthcare team apparently goes along with the lie, since it helps the patient preserve the last shred of dignity he or she thinks they have.

The reason this problem is so common is because it's easier to lose something up your butt than you may think. Once irritated, the sigmoid colon can go into reverse peristalsis. Peristalsis is the wave-like action than moves food through your system, and if it were to go in reverse, an object that may seem right behind your sphincter one minute can travel halfway to Wichita the next. Have you ever had to take a crap really bad, and then the feeling suddenly and thankfully goes away? Reverse peristalsis. The mechanism that prevents the embarrassing occurrence of crapping your pants may also cause the embarrassing occurrence of sharing your anal endeavors with an entire hospital full of people.

The patient that day was just laying on his stretcher and staring at the ceiling. I have to admit I was delighted to be part of the team to take it out, since it was the talk of the town. The procedure was to cut open his abdomen, and then try and milk it by hand down his large intestine and out his butt. The poor guy didn't say a word to anyone, but followed instructions quickly and without discussion while getting anesthesia. The vibrator must have been close to the surface, because as Donna the circulator nurse was scrubbing him, she felt the vibrations in his belly.

We were all very lucky to be wearing masks, because although we were able to suppress outright laughter, grinning was irresistible. After gowning and gloving, we were ready to go to work. The vibrations were just palpable as the skin was cut, but became louder and more noticeable once we were in the abdominal cavity. Then we found it.

Inside the descending colon, near the splenic flexure, the surgeon and I could feel a solid object vibrating away. Feeling it through the large intestine, it was obvious the base of the vibrator was sort of wide, and pushing it down and out of the butt might cause worse damage than cutting open that spot. So he did.

With the anesthesiologist peering over the drape, the tech leaning practically into my field of view, and the circulator hovering over my shoulder, the surgeon asked for the scalpel. He made a small incision in the large intestine and I squished out what looked like an 8 inch purple vibrator. It was wet and slippery, and before we could grab it, the damn thing slid off the belly and onto the floor, where it bounced around like a fish out of water.

The circulator nurse had been quite close to the field, wanting to be one of the first people to witness the birth of the much talked about sex toy, so when the vibrator unexpectedly landed at her feet, she yelped something and jumped back. She careened into a stainless steel table on wheels, knocking it over, and continued lifting her feet away from the bouncing vibrator, which seemed to be chasing her. Her squealing was almost immediately drowned out by the instant and raucous laughter of the four others in the room, who stopped to watch the nurse act out what resembled a Jerry Lewis segment.

After gaining her balance, her semblance of fortitude, and probably realizing the humorous and legendary situation she was about to enact, Donna began her dance with the dildo. She donned her gloves and assumed an attack position as though she were a gladiator facing an 8 inch opponent. As the vibrator rolled and bounced its way under tables and equipment, she kept shifting around, facing her little nemesis. We were dying with laughter.

Finally she made a grab for it, but the slippery little phalus eluded her grasp, and immediately thudded to the floor again. At this point, the rest of us began calling out suggestions and taunts akin to a county pig wrestle.

When she had it again in her grasp, she shouted the question we all were waiting to hear, "How do I turn it off?" Of course being a politically incorrect operating room, every possible joke was made regarding Donna pretending not to know how to turn off a vibrator.

"I'm sure you have no problem turning it on, Donna."

"Do they always turn purple on you?"

"Keep it where we can see it, Donna."

And so on. It's pretty amazing how much dirty humor you can get away with in the operating room behind closed doors. I have to watch myself when talking to coworkers on other units; their brand of humor is much tamer. More than one of my peers has been "written up" for inappropriate comments.

Alas, the phalus was switched off and dropped into a bag. So ended our adventure with the vibrator, but the laughter kept on overtaking us as we closed, getting softer and less frequent until we were done. Then we were ready to tell everybody about it at lunch, complete with re-enactments. (of Donna, not the patient)

Don't think for a minute the sanctity of a hospital will shield you from being the butt of a self-induced joke. It's my personal opinion that hospital employees seek out and over abuse funny situations to lessen the impact of sad or stressful ones. So if you are ever in a hilarious compromising situation for whatever reason, and you need medical attention, I recommend you drive for a long time before you stop at a hospital.

Strangely enough, the guy wanted to keep the vibrator. That must have broken Donna's heart. The patient was probably afraid we would frame the thing and hang it up in our lounge as a centerpiece for discussion and laughter. Anyway, I had a great deal of fun that day, and I hope I'm working the next time somebody is naked and accidentally sits down on an upward pointing vibrator that's turned on.