Sam Brings the House Down
At the expense of shooting my wad early, I have to tell this story. Writing down all my experiences here sounds good at first, but after the first great stories, there isn't much else but general griping. We'll see.
This could be one of the funniest ones I've heard from my peers. I really wish it had happened to me so I could put my own spin on it, but I'll try and relate it the way I heard it.
When a group of health care workers get to talking about past stories, the general pattern (if there isn't a self-important windbag) is to let all the younger ones tell a few, ending with a great veteran's story to bring the house down. The older staff just sit smiling until someone says, "what about you, Ed, you must have a few good ones?"
We were sitting around at lunch talking about crazy situations in Labor and Delivery, when "Sam", a PA with 20 years experience said the words I had been waiting for.
"Here's one for ya . . . "
A couple was having a child through a surrogate. Surrogates are unique. They are paid thousands to carry someone's baby and birth it. They are typically women who LOVE the miracle of birth and everything involved, and to many infertile couples, the answer to their prayers. But they are different.
A surrogate mom was laboring down in room 1, a jacuzzi room (although the jacuzzi is almost never used). The expecting couple was excited since they hit the jackpot with this one - they were expecting twins. They were patiently waiting for the attempted vaginal delivery of their twins (often twins are a difficult vag delivery because they are not always "head down" in the uterus).
At about 5 centimeters (halfway there), the surrogate announces she would like to get in the jacuzzi. Dr. B, an extremely experienced OB and one that the other Docs call for help when the shit hits the fan, advises her she should labor in the bed. She will have none of it. She is getting in the tub.
She is checked once before getting in the tub (the fingers are inserted into the vag to determine the cervical dilation) and she's now 7 cm. She is advised against the tub. She said she's getting in the tub. Usually, at 7, the women are getting OUT of the fucking tub.
The couple is smiling worriedly.
A few short minutes go by with the surrogate in the jacuzzi, jets whirring away, when she announces, "I think I'm ready"
The nurse asks, "ready for what?"
"I'm ready to deliver"
The RN checks the cervix while in the tub, and it's definately baby time. The RN Calls Dr. B and an extra nurse. She asks the surrogate to get out of the tub and onto the delivery bed.
"Nope"
The couple isn't smiling anymore.
Apparently everybody started pleading the surrogate to exit the jacuzzi and deliver on the bed when it happened.
The water turned red. A baby rose to the surface. A nurse grabbed the baby. The doctor grabbed the surrogate. Sam the PA walked in.
When paged STAT to labor and delivery, just numbers show up on the pager. You call those numbers and the unit secretary tells you where to go and if it's a true STAT - a "STATTY MCSTATERSTAT". Sam was paged back when the surrogate refused to get out, and when he walked in, the scene before him was without question the biggest clusterfuck he has seen in his 20 years of experience.
A nurse running into the room to answer the shouts for help was right in front of Sam when she slipped on a huge puddle of water and into the feet of Dr. B, already struggling to keep his balance. For you see, Dr. B., a large man with a heavy spanish accent, was pulling a naked woman out of a roiling jacuzzi of blood, yelling, "HEP ME, SAM, HEP ME POOL DIS WOMAN OUT!!". There was another nurse, who was also soaking wet, holding up a screaming baby, umbilical cord dangling, trying to duck under the surrogate and step over the nurse on the ground. The surrogate was half in, half out of the jacuzzi, cursing and screaming at the top of her lungs.
The couple was hyperventilating.
Sam said he stopped at the doorway to assess the situation, and sort of crouched at the knees, put his hands out like he was about to catch a giant beachball, and yelled, "HHOOOLLYYY SSHHIIIITTT!!"
He said it was like a game of Twister on acid.
When he told me that scene, I really didn't hear too much of the rest of it, since I was laughing so hard I had to concentrate on keeping my sandwich in my mouth and not all over the storyteller. After choking down my bite, I learned that Sam started pulling the wet naked lady despite the fact that he had no idea what was going on, or why he was pulling a wet, screaming, cursing, naked lady out of a bloody jacuzzi. The surrogate was wrestled into bed and right when everybody was about to catch their breath, Dr. B announced that the second baby, (twins, remember) had to be sectioned.
The surrogate refused, saying, "A C-section is not part of the deal".
The couple started crying.
There comes a time when the social aspects of labor and delivery are null and void. In the case of a surrogate delivery, those aspects are not typical to begin with, and now the staff, the doc, the couple, everybody had pretty much had enough. When the surrogate was told the second baby might die if not sectioned immediately, she became adament and stubborn, REFUSING THE SECTION.
The couple swallowed their tears and appeared to be preparing to physically assault the surrogate.
Sam said room was truly stunned, and on the verge of outright hostility. The only sound was screaming baby A, and everybody was thinking really fast about how to save baby B, knowing that if too much time was wasted, they wouldn't. Sam thought of an idea.
He told the surrogate she would probably die, too (she WAS hemorrhaging, but it was a stretch). Dr. B backed him up and agreed. She thought for a second and said, "Well next time I'm asking for more money!" In a life and death situation, it's odd what some people worry about. I should mention here, that while many surrogates are different than the rest of us, this one was apparently a fucking lunatic.
The surgical team was dripping wet under their gowns and gloves as they pulled baby B out in a STAT section. Now that's a story I wish was my own.
I'm sure the couple is now quite happy.
This could be one of the funniest ones I've heard from my peers. I really wish it had happened to me so I could put my own spin on it, but I'll try and relate it the way I heard it.
When a group of health care workers get to talking about past stories, the general pattern (if there isn't a self-important windbag) is to let all the younger ones tell a few, ending with a great veteran's story to bring the house down. The older staff just sit smiling until someone says, "what about you, Ed, you must have a few good ones?"
We were sitting around at lunch talking about crazy situations in Labor and Delivery, when "Sam", a PA with 20 years experience said the words I had been waiting for.
"Here's one for ya . . . "
A couple was having a child through a surrogate. Surrogates are unique. They are paid thousands to carry someone's baby and birth it. They are typically women who LOVE the miracle of birth and everything involved, and to many infertile couples, the answer to their prayers. But they are different.
A surrogate mom was laboring down in room 1, a jacuzzi room (although the jacuzzi is almost never used). The expecting couple was excited since they hit the jackpot with this one - they were expecting twins. They were patiently waiting for the attempted vaginal delivery of their twins (often twins are a difficult vag delivery because they are not always "head down" in the uterus).
At about 5 centimeters (halfway there), the surrogate announces she would like to get in the jacuzzi. Dr. B, an extremely experienced OB and one that the other Docs call for help when the shit hits the fan, advises her she should labor in the bed. She will have none of it. She is getting in the tub.
She is checked once before getting in the tub (the fingers are inserted into the vag to determine the cervical dilation) and she's now 7 cm. She is advised against the tub. She said she's getting in the tub. Usually, at 7, the women are getting OUT of the fucking tub.
The couple is smiling worriedly.
A few short minutes go by with the surrogate in the jacuzzi, jets whirring away, when she announces, "I think I'm ready"
The nurse asks, "ready for what?"
"I'm ready to deliver"
The RN checks the cervix while in the tub, and it's definately baby time. The RN Calls Dr. B and an extra nurse. She asks the surrogate to get out of the tub and onto the delivery bed.
"Nope"
The couple isn't smiling anymore.
Apparently everybody started pleading the surrogate to exit the jacuzzi and deliver on the bed when it happened.
The water turned red. A baby rose to the surface. A nurse grabbed the baby. The doctor grabbed the surrogate. Sam the PA walked in.
When paged STAT to labor and delivery, just numbers show up on the pager. You call those numbers and the unit secretary tells you where to go and if it's a true STAT - a "STATTY MCSTATERSTAT". Sam was paged back when the surrogate refused to get out, and when he walked in, the scene before him was without question the biggest clusterfuck he has seen in his 20 years of experience.
A nurse running into the room to answer the shouts for help was right in front of Sam when she slipped on a huge puddle of water and into the feet of Dr. B, already struggling to keep his balance. For you see, Dr. B., a large man with a heavy spanish accent, was pulling a naked woman out of a roiling jacuzzi of blood, yelling, "HEP ME, SAM, HEP ME POOL DIS WOMAN OUT!!". There was another nurse, who was also soaking wet, holding up a screaming baby, umbilical cord dangling, trying to duck under the surrogate and step over the nurse on the ground. The surrogate was half in, half out of the jacuzzi, cursing and screaming at the top of her lungs.
The couple was hyperventilating.
Sam said he stopped at the doorway to assess the situation, and sort of crouched at the knees, put his hands out like he was about to catch a giant beachball, and yelled, "HHOOOLLYYY SSHHIIIITTT!!"
He said it was like a game of Twister on acid.
When he told me that scene, I really didn't hear too much of the rest of it, since I was laughing so hard I had to concentrate on keeping my sandwich in my mouth and not all over the storyteller. After choking down my bite, I learned that Sam started pulling the wet naked lady despite the fact that he had no idea what was going on, or why he was pulling a wet, screaming, cursing, naked lady out of a bloody jacuzzi. The surrogate was wrestled into bed and right when everybody was about to catch their breath, Dr. B announced that the second baby, (twins, remember) had to be sectioned.
The surrogate refused, saying, "A C-section is not part of the deal".
The couple started crying.
There comes a time when the social aspects of labor and delivery are null and void. In the case of a surrogate delivery, those aspects are not typical to begin with, and now the staff, the doc, the couple, everybody had pretty much had enough. When the surrogate was told the second baby might die if not sectioned immediately, she became adament and stubborn, REFUSING THE SECTION.
The couple swallowed their tears and appeared to be preparing to physically assault the surrogate.
Sam said room was truly stunned, and on the verge of outright hostility. The only sound was screaming baby A, and everybody was thinking really fast about how to save baby B, knowing that if too much time was wasted, they wouldn't. Sam thought of an idea.
He told the surrogate she would probably die, too (she WAS hemorrhaging, but it was a stretch). Dr. B backed him up and agreed. She thought for a second and said, "Well next time I'm asking for more money!" In a life and death situation, it's odd what some people worry about. I should mention here, that while many surrogates are different than the rest of us, this one was apparently a fucking lunatic.
The surgical team was dripping wet under their gowns and gloves as they pulled baby B out in a STAT section. Now that's a story I wish was my own.
I'm sure the couple is now quite happy.
posted by All Rounder | 5:40 AM
1 Comments:
Are you sure this didn't happen on a Civil War battlefield?
That's what it sounds like.
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